I wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes grabbing, sometimes choking my wife! The next morning I roll over and look to hug and greet my wife a good morning, but I can tell by the look in her eyes that I had another night terror episode! I feel helpless and ashamed when she explains my actions, and what scares me the most is that I have not one bit of recollection of the event! I cannot tell you the exact time my night terrors began, but I fear sleeping in the same bed as my wife and sometimes shame myself to the couch because of fear. This does not happen every night and I am not sure what triggers it but my wife explains sometimes when she moves just right it erupts! I have been working in the Prison system since the age of 21 and I am now 40. I don’t like to talk about a lot of it too much, but looking back over the 5 or 6 prisons I have worked at,I have seen everything in life that normal people don’t want to,and never will see! I suppose all correctional workers go through about the same thing? Or maybe I’m just really fucked up in the head? Either way I sit and wander many times what kind of person I would have turned out to be if I never stepped foot into this world of darkness and nothingness, or better yet what kind of dad and husband? March 7th, 2004, I was a young 23 year old, testosterone blaring ready for anything kid. I already had 2 years of corrections under my belt at a private correctional facility in Southern California, but I took the leap into the Federal system! The first Federal Prison that I worked at in California showed me all the evils prisons could hold and made me question why anyone would ever choose this profession. There were so many bad things that happened my first 2 years in that Federal Prison. I believe my mind has blocked some of it and the rest seems now like a bad dream. Within 2 months on my rookie year I experienced my first inmate on inmate homicide! It was an evening watch shift and I was working the compound. The prisons in 2004 was like a gladiator movie of survival. Two compound officers to control 900 max security inmates all out in the recreation yard at one time! I did not want to show any fear and still wanted to let the inmates know that I was there to control all of them!! Lol. The truth was we had no control, and they decided if we walked out of the institution or not! I remember walking through the rec yard shoulder to shoulder with inmates, squeezing through with no other staff members in sight. The other compound Officer would fight through the other side until we could finally see and meet in the crowd! I believe they could have killed me at any time and there would have been no way for anyone to know until the recall, or know which inmate did it since it was so crowded. A body alarm goes off in one of the housing units and both of us compounds fight through the packed inmates to respond. Upon arrival a white inmate that I can still see his face and remember his name to this day was being stabbed by 6 otherHispanic inmates with what looked like wolverine claws(homemade knives tied to wrists). Once staff responded the inmates carrying out the hit ran to cells to rid the weapons and the unit was locked down. We found the victim had crawled into the tv room and that is where he laid, bleeding out. If I remember, they said he was stabbed somewhere around 200 times. We tried our best to stop the bleeding and at least attempt CPR but we all knew he was dead already. Like anyone knows that works in prisons, inmates don’t die in prison, they die at the hospital! This inmate was not coming back from this. I did not care or have any feeling for this inmate, but it opened my eyes to the world I was in and who I was dealing with. It did bother me though, but we never show that. I saw a lot of dead bodies throughout the years but my first sticks with me, the rest is like a blur and almost normal as sick as it sounds. I have been assaulted many times, everything from piss and shit thrown on me to hit, grabbed, spit on, and stabbed once. There were many times I thought I may never go home, but one time haunts me to this day. While working a housing unit I was doing a round on the upper tier and out of nowhere comes a drunk Native American inmate out of his cell carrying a 10 inch bone crusher knife. I gave him direct orders to drop the weapon and lay on the ground. Before I could give another order the inmate lunged at me trying to decapitate my head. I was lucky enough to dodge and back pedal. This was before the days of stab vests and OC spray, all I had was my keys, radio, and cuffs. The inmate proceeded to chase me with the knife around the upper tier of the unit. I hit my body alarm to get help and kept distance between us. I never knew how long 3 minutes could be when running for your life. Staff did finally arrive and we were able to take down and restrain the inmate without any serious harm to staff. I still remember the exact feeling of thinking I was going to die. Inmates were not always the biggest stressors in the prisons. All the years of shift work, mandating, missed holidays and family time get to you and make you feel empty. I never have known what it was like to work a 9 to 5 with flexible schedules, weekends and holidays off, because this is really all I have ever done. I do kick myself for not trying harder in school and doing something better in my life, but I guess a lot of us could say that. I am thankful for what it has provided, but if I was given a second chance at life I would have done it different. I am currently not on any medication. I had reached out to a doctor one time and tried to get a little help with my head problems but after 3 different medications not working and making it worse, I gave up. I can almost guarantee that if I was able to take medical marijuana it would be life changing for me, but that will never be approved for my line of work. I have a bad liver and still drink from time to time to try to get through it all, but not sure if anything could fix what is damaged from over the years. My biggest worry is going through all of this to get to retirement and then dying shortly after. I want to have time to spend with my family. I want to finally do something that has meaning and feel good about it. I want a since of accomplishment for once in my life. To the ones that do this kind of work there is a need for it, but I would never recommend it to anyone. I am not suicidal and really do not feel I have ever been, but I can see why so many of my correctional friends have killed themselves over the years. If you have a good support outside of this line of work then I think you can survive, but if your job is negative and your outside life is no better, that can be a dark, scary place. I wrote this little note to try and explain why I am the way I am. I just don’t know if I’m explaining it to you or myself? Either way always remember the ones that are never talked about that keep evil from your doorstep! The Correctional Officers!

This segment is the start of picking apart the liberal mind. Sometimes trying to find the root of a disorder helps to understand it better. The left mind works in a mysterious way, that somewhat seems sprinkled with fairy dust, and wrapped tight in rainbows and butterfly blankets. Please be informed the rainbows reference is not a jab at the LGBTQ community, it is an insinuation of the fairytale world their mind stays in. First off, why are liberal politics so confusing? Because left is right, and right is wrong! Right? Now I do blame the media for the majority of our problems today, but the leftist take things to the extreme. CDC guidelines say to wear two masks, remain six feet apart at all times, do not let anyone into your home unless they are vaccinated, cancel all family holidays and events, COVID is the deadliest thing to ever occur in the world, and Dr. Fauci throws like a 5 year old girl! Wait that last one is true, but the rest are all scare tactic left agenda mumbo jumbo. I’m not here to debate if COVID is real or not, I had a virus that they call COVID and survived with flying colors. One year the flu almost killed my wife and me at the same time, now that scared me a bit. Still to this day I have a new found respect for influenza A. So now that we all agree that there is a virus out there that they call COVID, and it does make people sick, left and right agree! Wow, I won’t be saying that much. I know in my heart that this is a politically driven thing, and can read between the lines. I don’t consider myself a conspiracy theorist, but I do question a lot of things in life. After all, isn’t that what we are all in search of, “The truth? “ I look at this pandemic as a whole and ask myself, who has benefited from this virus? The answer all day long is the liberal democrats. The pandemic won them an election, hurt our capitalist economy, opening the door for socialism, put control into the governments hands that is one sided and not for the right, gave them an open book to do whatever they want, because a pandemic supersedes any law or rights, and pay off debts to countries who hate us, with our COVID relief money. Those are just a few examples. If you’re reading what I have already written, and this does not raise red flags by now, then you must have your arms around a tree hugging it tightly! So, how can a mind not see the facts in front of them? The left mind is the most cognitive bias type of mind, and reflects in their illusory superiority condition. This condition overestimates their own qualities and abilities, in relation to the same qualities and abilities of other people. Have you ever met anyone that thought they were always right? This is a form of superior intellect, and you can debate all day with this type of person and never come to a middle ground. I am not saying that some conservatives are not head strong, and not willing to meet in the middle, but nowhere as extreme and to the measures of the left. We can never see eye to eye when you stay on a pedestal. I actually have some liberal stands that I can agree on, not many but some. Like, the legalization of marijuana federally, I’m not against gay marriage as long as it does not affect my rights, I care about nature and the earth. We all have to have an open mind because we come from a myriad walks of life. That is the beautiful thing about freedom and our country. Our freedoms however are not as free as they once were. We are to the point of “where do we go from here?” Some lives are controlled now my COVID and the scare tactics have worked. I know of many willing to give up lifelong friendships and family for their stand on this virus. Someone I know well told a very good friend “that if they do not get the COVID vaccine they are not welcome in their house!” They themselves have had the vaccine already so tell me, what sense does this make? If the vaccine is that effective then what are you scared of? Not to mention they still go out into public with strangers having no idea who is vaccinated or not. This is the sick left mind that I am talking about that remains a mystery to me. I will follow up with more studies, and try to form a conclusion, and possibly some solutions in the coming articles. I will leave you with two things. First, the next time you are driving and see someone sitting in a car, alone with the windows up, and notice they are wearing a mask, say a prayer for them. That may be the only thing that can help someone like that. You are welcome to giggle a bit also, I always do. Second, what does a liberal arts major say to a trade school graduate? Do you want fries with that? I hope you liked my little blog, if not then find a different one lol!!!